This is my heart's fault

& This is what I fucking get for getting my hopes skyrocket high.

I'm just so fucking tired of trying !
Every time I aim for my target, I'm so confident,
but then it disappoints me in the end,
AS ALWAYS.

I know life isn't fair,
but this is too much.

If life isn't fair, why the hell are we here?
How are we able to get the things we want?

I don't know what to fucking do, or think anymore!

But all in all,
I should have known better.
I curse at myself every time I risk it, and fall flat on my face
telling myself, "what the fuck were you thinking?!"
I understand it was my fault,
and I'm terribly mad at myself for giving in.

But what I don't understand,
is why did I give in, in the first place?

It seems so different, and so in-reach,
that I'd think this would finally be the time
where life says, "She's had enough."

When will life ever be on my side?

Love is a powerful word

For some, LOVE is a powerful word.

For others, LOVE is just another fad to follow.

But I , do not intend to follow the fad. It is just stupid and wrong

to take someone for granted. To tell someone lies to

and claim that you actually do love them,

when in reality,

you're just pretending.

You wouldn't think lust would hurt anyone,

because it's not physical.

But naive as you are, my dear,

lust is the worst kind of pain you can inflict on someone.

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I'm smarter than this.

Or at least, I should be.

Feelings are so hard to control. And sometimes you can get them mixed up.

Which is why I tend to be smarter than most.

I've been through heartbreak and tears, and I never want to go back to them again.

So I've taken the liberty of blocking LUST out.

Not LOVE, but LUST.

And maybe I could be wrong about this whole thing,

and in reality, I could just be much more stupid than everyone else.

I could also just be really cautious.

I don't want to mistake LUST as LOVE,

because I don't want to be a hypocrite and lie to someone.

My poor sympathetic heart

has me afraid

to love someone.

Because I don't want to be lying.

My mind would say I'm better than this, and walk away,

because I know this is just LUST.

But my heart continues to fight shouting out,

"This could be different."

And I don't know which one to listen to.

I've read over the signs,

and I know there's more to his life story.

But to me, with me,

it feels as if it just comes naturally.

But he could just be that one boy that has that special gift.

The special gift of meeting girls,

and just by talking to them,

other times with just complete silence,

can make their emotions go crazy, and out of whack,

that they'll claim they LOVE him.

He's that one distraction, that one poison,

that interrupts the mind's work

of interpreting whether or not it's LOVE , or LUST.

And he can do it single-handedly.

Which makes me very afraid of falling more than 10 ft. deep

into the sea of sadness.

They always say, "look before you fall."

well, I looked.

And it's a long way down.

But my heart tells me to jump,

thinking he'll be down there to stop my fall.

But reality's much more cruel than that.

idk why I'm still here

I don't even know where to begin with this feeling. Right now, I hate myself for being able to see.

Because if I didn't see you I wouldn't feel like this.

Honestly, for surely this time, I have never felt like this. I am not joking. You are the only person able to make me feel like I have NOTHING in this world if it isn't you.

For me, I have reached a whole new level of being depressed. It's because of you,

that I have to put great effort just to try to smile.

I hate my life.

I can honestly say that even with the greatest friends I could possibly have,

who go out of their way just to walk through this with me.

You are the reason that lets me know life is teasing me;

Before, I was doing just fine. I didn't need anybody.

But it wasn't until when Life showed me who you were,

that I actually wonder what I ever did to deserve this.

Right now, I am the caged dog. Life is the teaser. :

Life attaches 'him', like a bone, to a string tied to a stick.

Life throws the bone into my cage, and as I aim to get it,

Life reels it back and out of my reach.

I am the caged dog and Life is the teaser.

And I can't take it anymore.

From the very first second I saw you, and you saw me, I thought I'd actually have a chance

with the way your eyes gleamed at me like we knew each other our whole life.

I guess I was the only one to notice it,

because for a split second, I actually knew it would be possible for us.

But I guess you don't even want to try to see it.

And it gives me such pain that I could actually feel my heart breaking.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE, IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU!

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It wasn't my fault for falling for you. You were the one who tripped me.